What do you associate with the holidays? Greenery, gifts, and family gatherings? Maybe the first thing you think of is getting trapped in conversation with so-and-so… forced to decide whether to argue or just smile, nod, and try to escape as fast as possible.

For years, I facilitated conversations between people who disagreed on core values and life philosophies, and I learned lessons that always come back to me around this time of year.

Purpose is paramount. 

We tend to either flatly avoid topics that are divisive or leap into the fray with little forethought. So before heading to that family dinner, decide what your primary purpose is for the day, knowing what you know about the kinds of situations and conversations you’re likely to encounter. Are you keeping the peace for the sake of the kids, or is challenging someone’s opinion a hill you’re willing to kill the Christmas goose on?

There are endless situations, so either way could be valid. Just go into it with purpose in mind.

You are half of the conversational equation. 

In Kansas Leadership Center terms, this is where we would talk about the concept of “Manage Self.” 

Being intimately aware of your own feelings and triggers is critically important if you want to engage in a challenging conversation. Everyone thinks of themselves as logical, and that self-identification doesn’t go away just because they’re getting emotional. And if you are able to honestly assess yourself and find that you might be feeling too much emotional heat to manage yourself… you can choose to disengage.

Respect and curiosity are supreme. 

I always told the individuals coming to share a conversation I facilitated that magic could be done with the simple application of the yin and yang concepts of respect and curiosity. 

If you enter a conversation with contempt for the other person, they will sense it and be defensive. If you enter a conversation with indifference toward the other person, you will be closed to learning. Assuming that you intend for a challenging exchange of ideas to result in understanding (the prerequisite to honest change), then you must come into it with an open heart. 

Grinch-sized epiphanies are not a thing. 

Let’s say you do engage in a tricky conversation about politics, religion, or major life values. Even if you and your conversation partner are both being curious and respectful and truly listening to each other, it’s still wildly unlikely they’ll change their entire stance on a core value or belief. Never in my days as a facilitator did I see someone change their political persuasion. But you really could give them something to think about and continue exploring on their own. 

Small moves can turn a ship (though it takes time) but turning the Titanic isn’t a worthwhile goal unless you intend to dedicate months and years to helping a particular person see things your way. Rather, revealing your truth to that person, especially through the use of your life experiences—your personal story—can create a lasting impression and help provide breadth to other people’s worldviews. 

Above all, it helps people who find themselves firmly on one side of an issue to acknowledge that there is complexity and shades of gray within different stances.

A final tip from my favorite celebrity facilitator, Priya Parker: prepare for the heat by having an ‘out’ ready. Whether that’s a slice of pie or another topic to pivot to, you may be grateful for foresight as well as family and friends this season.